Love and Marriage
Three things have me thinking about love and marriage this week: a few tough conversations with my wife Kerrie, the recent second marriage of a close colleague, and the death of a patient’s husband.
Kerrie and I have been together since the Fall of 1992. We took our relationship for a test drive, so-to-speak, when we moved in together in August 1994. We didn’t get married until May 1997, the same year that both my sister and brother-in-law got married.
Our approach was simple and frugal. We bought her lavender rose bouquet on our walk to City Hall in Center City Philadelphia. Judge Rayford Means conducted a civil ceremony in his office on his lunch break. We had been in the court room and watched him sentence someone to a lengthy sentence in prison just moments before. The layers of meaning were not lost on us, and just in case they were, when we left the Justice Center, the police guarding the entrance were laughing ruefully and said almost in unison “Another life sentence handed out!” My close friend Paul, with whom I had weathered three years of nursing school, was my best man. Two of Kerrie’s art school classmates and former apartment-mates Anne and Linda were her maids of honor. Afterwards we enjoyed a feast at our favorite Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, Lee How Fuk. I know that my dad and Kerrie’s dad were both relieved when they heard of our wedding, because their bank accounts had just taken a huge hit. My sister and Kerrie’s brother both had lavish weddings with rehearsal dinners, more than a hundred people in attendance, and a big celebration afterwards. Sadly, they were then both divorced after about one year of marriage. Here we are twenty seven years later, and still growing together.
It would be too easy for me to say that the reason we are still married is because we are more mature or more committed than others, although we do each have some of those qualities. I certainly don’t feel superior to other people who have gone through the crucible of divorce. A saving grace of our relationship has been the tool of Reevaluation Counseling, or RC, and the ability to listen to each other which that has cultivated in us. But if I am being brutally honest, I would say that staying married for this long owes a lot to luck, fate, and codependence as much as anything else.
Yesterday I told my wife that we are both wounded birds trying to live in community with each other. I’ve never understood or been sympathetic, let alone admiring, when a couple celebrating their 50th year anniversary quips that they never had an argument. The idea is unfathomable to me. If you are two distinct individuals, who are growing over time through the different stages of life and human development, I simply don’t think it is possible to not ever argue.
My wife has often described me as a strong cup of tea. Other people who have had childhoods and physical ailments similar to mine have easily fallen into addiction and self-destruction. I know this because over the last forty years I have counseled with some of them, and more than a couple are dead. Living in Philadelphia for a decade made this harder in some ways, because of experiencing armed robberies, muggings, interrupting a rape and generally feeling unsafe in an unrelenting atmosphere of racial tension and urban violence… it doesn’t tend to reassure someone about the benign reality and safety of the world. I would say that one of my personal stages of development has been to tame my inner fire and rough edges so that I respond more calmly and thoughtfully in situations which I historically felt as provocative.
At the risk of being cliché, what comes to mind is a song which Garth Brooks wrote and performed back in the early 90s. (I note that at least one person on You Tube included this song as one of the most annoying songs ever! LOL!!)
Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turnedWe call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burnedBut you got to be tough when consumed by desire
‘Cause it’s not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fallWe call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it allThey’re so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it’s not living if you stand outside the fireStanding outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you’re standing outside the fire
One dynamic of our marriage, which some couples may recognize, is that when one’s partner in life vibrates at a low or very high pitch, we respond inversely. I’m used to this in marriage, and it is helpful that both my wife and I recognize it and acknowledge it with the intention to recalibrate ourselves when it happens. When at least one partner is doing this consciously it can help de-escalate a tense situation. We say “As long as you zig when I zag, we’re good.” Allow me to explain this with reference to an old friend.
David Kraskow is an old friend and another nurse who I first met at our local regional medical center in 2000. He is ten years my senior and has had his experiences of human development, meditation, spiritual practice, and intentional growth courses. He is self-described as pollyanna, without any negative connotation. For a period of years, we commuted together to work as we both were on the night shift and my house was along the way.
David encouraged my vinophilic interests, inviting me to weekly wine tastings at a local establishment, as well as monthly wine tastings with a vinophile society. For a stretch of at least three years, we developed a ritual of returning to his home at the end of a night shift and sharing a glass of the most recent vin du jour. I know that drinking alcohol at 7:30 in the morning would be cause for many to suspect alcoholism, but I will assert that having worked the night shift, it was our equivalent of stopping by the bar on the way home, and we imbibed in moderation.
The wine we were drinking was always a topic of discussion, but nothing was off-limits. Being a strong cup of tea, a person of convictions and strong opinions, there would invariably be moments in the conversation were I would assert a rhetorical or empirical question, and David’s reply would send me over the edge. With equanimity he would say, “Yes, that is a question.” Aaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! In the seesaw of our relationship, it would feel like we were on the playground and he was a playmate who had height and weight on me and he had just propped me up in the air. All I could do was flail and scream to “Let me down!”
I’ve come to notice a similar dynamic between myself and my practice partner, Pierre. He is an interesting combination of steely character, intelligence and curiosity, with an easygoing, carefree and generous approach to life. “Wow” is his most frequently used reply to any message via text. If he wasn’t a guy, I would say he is the most Valley Girl guy I have ever met. All that is missing in his messages is “like”, as in “Like wow!” Small insight: he attended medical school in the Caribbean, where he would wind surf during the day and study at night. That is to say, he is not your typical doctor.
So, my challenge to be more steady and less reactive in response to my partner has been accepted. I recognize an opportunity to grow when it presents itself. One other thing I have learned over many years of marriage is that if we are growing, we do not seek out people who are mirror images of ourselves, but instead seek relationships which include people who come from different backgrounds, have different world views, and have different manners of reacting and interacting with the world. It would be too easy to slide into a pitch for diversity and inclusiveness, but I am talking about what we seek out for ourselves rather than what would be imposed upon us. Having worked in large urban hospitals, I have experienced the joy and sorrow of interacting with so many different kinds of people.
Pierre is exceedingly generous and forgiving in his treatment of healthcare professionals who remain embedded in the system which has implemented the plandemic. He would be the first to say that if the stars hadn’t aligned in a certain manner, he would still be plugging away in the system, worshipping the medical journals and buying the narrative. As a person who is vaccine-injured, or at least that is the excuse I give, I feel what Joni Mitchell would call a ‘thunderhead of judgement’ for those who continue to endorse the COVID shots as safe and effective, and thus continue to maim and kill innocent people. It feels hard to forgive and empathize with those nurses and doctors, when every day I have to overcome the physical, mental and emotional limitations imposed by the spike protein on my existence – and try to help heal others who are more severely injured and disabled. In upcoming Substacks, I plan to write about moral choices in history and the present, without resorting to a black and white/good guys vs bad guys approach, while seeking to understand how and why people make the decisions they do.
Today, as I write, a patient of mine is holding a funeral service for her husband of twenty eight years. What makes this especially poignant is that less than two weeks ago, they were both here in Ithaca so that I could treat her with stem cells and exosomes. We have delivered this therapy to patients in a protocol which follows the phase two clinical trials of Vitti Labs https://www.vittilabs.com/research-development/#research, in which they do infusions on day one, three and five. We also deliver exosomes nasally and via nebulization. There was ample time to spend one-on-one with the patient and her husband over the course of five days, and the love between them was palpable. Her husband was tender and sweet, of good cheer and very thoughtful in his words and actions. I enjoy hearing the story of how a couple met, and their story is unusual, in that they became friends in grade school, boyfriend and girlfriend in middle school, and then married twenty eight years ago. They have children and twenty grandchildren. Less than a week after they returned home, her husband was killed in a car crash.
Woking in the Emergency Department (ED) for fourteen years, and trauma at the end of my ED career, I have had a lot of contact with people who suffered serious injuries, some of whom died, following a motor vehicle crash. It is still stunning to interact with someone who is so full of life, and in what feels like mere moments later, is dead. We are holding this patient, her husband and their family in our prayers, and on this day especially, pray that God will ease their pain, and join them in celebration of the joyful kindness which their husband/father/grandfather radiated during his life.
For my colleague and friend who recently remarried, my modest and brief advice is to nurture your capacity to listen to each other, often and well. Try not to blame each other, and be quick to sincerely apologize for your missteps and thoughtless moments. Try to notice, and acknowledge (out loud guys), what you appreciate about them, and what they do. Plan to grow, and change, together, in the time with which you are blessed.
L’chaim! Mazel tov!
P.S. Short comments with words of wisdom from living in relationship are welcome.
P.S.S. My partner in practice at the Leading Edge Clinic, Dr Pierre Kory, just published the first of four installments on Adjunctive Cancer Care. Pleaes Subscribe to his Substack to read these, at https://substack.com/home/post/p-145035952?source=queue
